The gripping hold of fear....

I am a fearful person. I don't mean this in the sense of reverence or respect as in "fear of the Lord", but of what the Bible tells us NOT to do all throughout the old and new testament. Fear not....be anxious for nothing...do not fear....etc, etc, etc. I can't even keep track of what I fear...I fear rational and irrational things, I fear rejection, I fear sickness, I fear sadness, I fear hard times...you name it, I fear it! My poor mom & dad had many years living with a little girl who would frantically call "mommy!!!!" while in the bath tub and when mommy would come in I would ask if this scab on my arm might be leprosy! LEPROSY!!! What kid fears a diagnosis of LEPROSY!?! Yep...I did! That wasn't even the least of if. If I told you all of the stories of things I feared growing up and what my parents had to endure with me you might think I needed medication or professional help!

Well, professional help is what I needed. From the wonderful Counselor...my almighty, heavenly FATHER! From as long as I can remember I have known that God is working on me and my issues of fear. Defeated, enslaved and frustrated would be my description of the outcomes of "faith tests" and a vision of utter defeat was my expectation for my future in this category. Well, Satan would want me to believe that!! He would whisper in my ear..."no matter what you do, you will always be this way!".

Then, my God blessed my life with my beloved children. Though blissful is how I would describe motherhood...it raised my whole fear level up to an unreachable level. Not only did I have to live in constant worry about my life, my future, my health my marriage...but I now had to worry about my boys life, future, health and marriages....oh ya, and education and financial provision and character and spirituality and friends and on and on and on! Unmanageable is the word I would use for how I felt. I cannot do this anymore, Lord. I cannot continue to carry this FEAR around me! If Parker didn't eat a lot of dinner...was it because he had a stomach bug???!!! Oh man...what am I going to do if he throws up??! Oh my goodness...then we are all going to get it and who is going to take care of my kids while I am sick!??! Do you see how my mind takes off from something as insignificant as Parker not eating dinner? I had this weird bruise on the top of my foot several months ago....leukemia was the only explanation I could come up with how I had this oddly shaped bruise in an odd location. In one week I survived a minor heart attack, two cases of ovarian cancer, and a kidney infection...IN ONE WEEK! 4 months ago I was sitting on the couch and I happened to rub my neck and felt a lump!!!!! IT'S CANCER! No other explanation...NONE....well, come to find out, it was a gland that had swollen due to the irritation on my scalp from hair extensions. Yep...and the list goes on. Then, I have Satan constantly whispering in my ear at all times "just enjoy this wonderful time in your life, because trouble is coming, and it's going to be bad!!!".

Well, yes, I do know that trouble and suffering are coming- but I also know that God's grace is sufficient. When my trials hit, HE will be with me and provide grace for that time. In fact, as I sit here typing this...Satan is whispering in my ear "the reason you are typing this and will share it with others is because God is about to do something tragic in your life and you need to practice what you preach"...SEE? It's constant- no matter what I do or don't do- fear is always there!

So, what is my plan? Well, TRUTH is my plan! God tells me that no matter what happens it's to profit and not to harm me. So Satan tells me that when the trials come, it's going to be horrible and lonely and sad and it will destroy me. Well, I know that's not from God, because whatever is from God is to profit me. The second part of it is that the worst case scenario is I die.......and go to heaven, where I will be in the presence of the Almighty God whom satisfies more than my children or husband ever could. That's the second lie. Satan tells me that if I were to leave this earth- nothing would satisfy the way my children do, etc. etc. Well, I know for a fact that God is the ULTIMATE satisfaction and my children will never come close.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set me free...therefore I will not submit again to the yoke of slavery!". "the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, self control, against such things there is no law- but those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

I will be anxious for NOTHING, but in everything through prayer and thanksgiving, I will present my requests to God and the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

I have realized that when the sting and fear of death is gone....nothing in this world can scare you. Death is the WORST CASE SCENARIO and when you no longer fear that, because you have the assurance of salvation through Christ and you know where you are going and that where you are going is the best place in the WHOLE WORLD, you "laugh" at the future! The JOY of the Lord is my strength!!!

Anyways- I have experienced victory, recently, over fear- HOWEVER, this is a daily battle. I must spend quality time with the Lord DAILY....DAILY....not every other day or once a week- but I must renew myself in His word so that I can survive the chains of fear...because they are like weeds in a garden...just because I picked them all out and my garden is weed-free today....doesn't mean I can stop picking...in just a short amount of time of not weeding, they could overtake my garden.

Thank you Father- thank you that no matter what happens, I can trust you and I can know that if it happens- it has already gone through your hands!

Nick names

I thought I would write down my nick-names I call my boys, because I know one day, they will ask me to stop! The funny thing about these is that they know their nick-names....Parker will look over at me when I say "love bug" and Beckham will look over at me if I say boo or bubba, etc.

Parker:
Booger bear
Love bug (this one is used the majority of the time)
Boogs
Booger

Beckham:
Boo bear
boo
bubba
bubba pants
love bucket
stinky boy

Today

Today, I took the boys to Chic-fil-a and let them play in their play room while I drank some coffee and watched. It was so much fun to hear Parker playing with other kids having such a great time and then occasionally checking in with me saying "HI MOMMY!!!!!" from way up high! Then, we had a chicken nugget snack and went home to let them play in the rain and then take a hot bubble bath afterwards.

This was such a fun morning!!! I love that all I have to do in my world right now is play with my kids (and of course do my "home" obligations as a wife too!!!) but the majority of my time is for being a mommy! How blessed I am!!! Lately, Parker has been going through a VERY VERY defiant stage. It has left me defeated and frustrated, constantly questioning and second guessing my judgement and feeling frustrated that my sweet little boy can be SO BAD sometimes! However, today...he was perfect! Obedient, sweet, kind and my normal little PRECIOUS boy!!! I am grateful for TODAY...I am grateful that today we had SO much fun together. Part of discipline, I am learning, is spending quality time with your boys...GOOD quality time...without that, discipline won't be as effective. They need to see you and ENJOY you as a mother so that when you have to be "mean", they know that it's because they were wrong and not because that is how mommy is!

Even though motherhood can be tough sometimes....man....I am SO GRATEFUL that GOD-CHOSE-ME to raise my children! I know that it's important to Him that I raise them too...I heard the other day on a radio show how God does want mothers to raise their kids, look at how he brought Moses back to HIS MOTHER for him to be raised through these character building years! Thank you Father....thank you that YOU PROVIDE everything we need so that I can stay with them! Thank you, that they are healthy and thank you that they are HERE with me and that I get to enjoy them!!!

My Beckham....

I just have to dedicate a whole posting to my sweet Beckham. I love him sooooo much and I just am having SO-MUCH-FUN with him. He is FINALLY out of that terrible grumpy stage where he cried 24/7, and I can say, I am LOVING it! He is 16 months old and such a momma's boy!!!! He is my boo! When I am away, even for 30 minutes, when I get home or come pick him up, he is SO-HAPPY-TO-SEE-ME! He comes wailing his arms saying "HIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!"...."HIIIIIIIIII!!!!!" with a big huge smile and into my arms. He then can NOT be put down for a long time, because he just wants to be in my arms. He snuggles into my arms at night when I rock him with his pacifier and blanket that he loves. I just rock him and sing to him and he is as content as can be, and I must say his mommy is too. My favorite time is when I can just sit and rock him and snuggle with him and Parker is SO sweet and precious and lets me to do it. I just love that when I hold him he just LOVES being held and LOVES snuggling close to me. I LOVE how he grins and I just LOVE kissing his face all over the place. Last night Beckham and I took a bath and I was chewing bubble gum and every time he would hear me pop a bubble or even just chew my gum he would turn around and just stare at my mouth, not quite sure what to think! Then he would either wrap his arms around my neck or kiss me! haha! Then, if he SAW me blow a bubble, he would get scared and start crying! So precious.

Ok, so 16 months- what he is doing??
-He now "blows on his food" by doing 3 or 4 quick breaths and then says "aaaaaaa" and bites the food!
-He still doesn't really say a lot.
-The other day he was at my in-laws and he got hungry so he went and found his high chair and pushed it up to the table!!!!
-When I ask him if he went poo poo, he bends over and touches his diaper. Sooo funny!
-He has VERY good receptive language...he pretty much understands everything I say.
-He still has a pacifier- just in bed though, and sometimes in the car
-He takes a big nap in the middle of the day when Parker does and he goes to bed at 7 and sleeps 12-14 hours, just depending on the day.
-He LOVES his bubble mator push toy and LOVES the mower toys.

I love you boo...you are my bubba pants and you are a joy every day I wake up!!!!

Love,
Mommy

3 years ago...

3 years ago, my sweet Parker Forrest Theiss, you were about to enter the world and officially take the title of my first child. Never, and I mean NEVER did I imagine how blissful life would be as a mother. I love every minute of my life with you even during the hard times.

So what are you up to as a big 3 year old?

You can dress yourself now
You can stand up and pee in the potty "like daddy" and don't need a stool anymore!
You talk non-stop
You are afraid of the dark
You are now eating much better now that you accept bribery :)
You test-me-on-everything....and I mean EVERYTHING!
You still take one nap
You wake up too early
You go to bed around 7:45-8pm
You still scream like crazy when I drop you off at church

There are so many more things, but I just can't think of them. Everyday I love to just watch you. Watch you play and watch you talk....watch you eat and watch you sleep. You are a miracle that God gave me and entrusted to me to raise and take care of. I am the luckiest mommy in the world to have you as one of my children and no matter what I will love you and cherish you. Right now, you are standing next to me eating a snack and asking me to "look mommy" at your toy truck then will try and "help mommy" type and if I don't look over at you, you will lean over in front of me grinning ear to ear until I look at you. I love that you still want to be right next to me where ever I am. I love that when I leave a room- you want to come find me or you ask where I am....I love that at night I can still rock you. I LOVE that I have had you for 3 years...3 years of fun, WORK, tears, laughter and JOY! I love you sweet love bug....you are my, and will always be, my baby!