It's time...

I heard the words come out of his mouth "Cathy, I feel like it's time", as my heart sank into my stomach and tears welled up in my eyes.  You see, Blake and I have both been called into missions- we both at separate times felt pulled by the Lord to give our lives full time for HIS work, wherever or whatever that means.  Africa, China, or Houston- God, send us.  However, obedience to a CLEAR call from God still comes with pain.  My family, Blake's family, our church family, our home...the home that Blake and I spent our wedding night in, the home I brought my babies home to, the back yard that I have spent countless hours blowing bubbles and blissfully gazing at my children playing in the fort and sliding down the slide.  I watched my baby Parker "help" daddy countless evenings mow that grass, I've watched my precious boys run in the sprinkler and chase each other...I've sat and watched the rain.  That front yard, where we've had picnics and leaf fights- we've "built" things and rolled in the grass.  Those rooms- oh their rooms, where we have rocked and snuggled and played on their beds and rough housed and played with their train sets and hid in their closets.  So-many-memories and I can't help but weep when I think of this home- with all of our special memories- going to a complete stranger.  I know that memories go with us, and I know that we will have new ones, but the hard part is I know that I am closing a chapter in my life....a chapter filled with so much joy and so much LOVE, a chapter of their childhood home, or at least one of them.  Oh, the tears in my eyes.  Nothing could prepare me for obedience that can sometimes be gut wrenching...especially to a girl who is so sentimental that I was sad when my parents sold our old beat up station wagon when I was a kid, because I thought its feelings would be hurt!  I know, I'm crazy.  My heart almost morns.  Tonight I was listening to these neat little devotions on a CD, they are like 8-10 minutes each and one gal was doing one on "going deep".  She talked about how she kept herself and her little family in a "safe place", like on the beach, building sand castles.  Well, she was plunged into "the deep waters" when her pregnancy ended with a baby that lived for 2 hours and with her having to hand over her little baby girl who was lifeless to a nurse who took her out of the hospital room...she wanted to scream at the nurse to bring back her baby...she couldn't take her!!!!  However, what she didn't realize is that in "the deep" she saw the face of Jesus unlike any other time in her life...it was in the deep that her other children came to see a Savior and it was in the deep that she felt like Jesus told her I am not on the shore, I am in the deepest part of the waters where you can't see what's next or where your feet will land.  Wow, that truly impacted me.  Nothing more in this life do I want than to see my children's salvation.  I pray over them with blood poring out of my sweat, praying for their salvation and their character....is this how God is answering?  I didn't realize that it would sacrifice my world...sacrifice all that is comforting to me....all that I have ever known and loved.  Blake and I along with Parker and Beckham are about to enter the deep...I am about to jump off the edge into a deep unknown.  I often day dream about seeing a "for sale" sign in my front yard....right now, as I am typing this, tears are welling in my eyes...I feel like screaming YOU CAN'T TAKE MY HOME....if you do that, you will take my memories and the life that I have come to love so dearly...but then I have to stop and realize...in order for me to know HIM at the level I want...in order for my children to have the ZEAL for HIS word and for HIM- in order for HIM to accomplish what HE wants to accomplish, I must sell all that I own and follow Him.  I must be grateful for this calling and know that HE will not call me to something HE has not equipped me for.  I know that I will make more memories in new places and I hope that one day, we can all weep together...except differently...that we will weep for joy the day my boys accept our Lord and Savior as theirs...ahhh...what a beautiful vision to hold on to.  Yes, Lord, send me...I will go...it's time.