Our story of this new life we are begining...

I have been blogging ever since February about the journey of us moving away and starting this new life towards being missionaries.  However, I couldn't post the blogs until Blake's job knew about us leaving.  SO, for that reason,  I saved all my postings and then on June 10th I was finally able to post them all.  So even though I wrote them on all different days, they show up all on June 10th.  SO, to see where all of this began, go to THIS BLOG POSTING and begin reading there if you want it in sequence.  I posted them all beginning on June 10 with "It's time", then move in order from there.

Ugh...

Well, I just laid in bed with Parker while he fell asleep for the last time in this house in his room.  I looked around his room and so many memories flooded my mind.  Blake and I painting his room, bringing him home to his room...rocking him as a baby in there.  I feel like I am barely holding it together by the grace of God.  I prayed today, that God would take all attachment to this home from me.  That he would help me see it as a building that housed us, and not our home laden with memories.  I do feel a lot better, however, I am SO ready for the closing day to be over.  I am ready to not have to anticipate the "lasts" of everything in this house.  This is the "last time" I will cook dinner here, or the "last time" we will play in the back yard...ugh...the sadness with all of the "lasts" I am ready to be done with.  I just feel like I want to cry all of the time when I think about walking out of this home for the last time.  Lord, this is good, this is good that you are stripping me of these attachments to worldy things.  This is good that I cannot hold on to things in this world...because all we need is YOU, Lord.   Father, God, Abba Father....hold me up.

It's time...

I heard the words come out of his mouth "Cathy, I feel like it's time", as my heart sank into my stomach and tears welled up in my eyes.  You see, Blake and I have both been called into missions- we both at separate times felt pulled by the Lord to give our lives full time for HIS work, wherever or whatever that means.  Africa, China, or Houston- God, send us.  However, obedience to a CLEAR call from God still comes with pain.  My family, Blake's family, our church family, our home...the home that Blake and I spent our wedding night in, the home I brought my babies home to, the back yard that I have spent countless hours blowing bubbles and blissfully gazing at my children playing in the fort and sliding down the slide.  I watched my baby Parker "help" daddy countless evenings mow that grass, I've watched my precious boys run in the sprinkler and chase each other...I've sat and watched the rain.  That front yard, where we've had picnics and leaf fights- we've "built" things and rolled in the grass.  Those rooms- oh their rooms, where we have rocked and snuggled and played on their beds and rough housed and played with their train sets and hid in their closets.  So-many-memories and I can't help but weep when I think of this home- with all of our special memories- going to a complete stranger.  I know that memories go with us, and I know that we will have new ones, but the hard part is I know that I am closing a chapter in my life....a chapter filled with so much joy and so much LOVE, a chapter of their childhood home, or at least one of them.  Oh, the tears in my eyes.  Nothing could prepare me for obedience that can sometimes be gut wrenching...especially to a girl who is so sentimental that I was sad when my parents sold our old beat up station wagon when I was a kid, because I thought its feelings would be hurt!  I know, I'm crazy.  My heart almost morns.  Tonight I was listening to these neat little devotions on a CD, they are like 8-10 minutes each and one gal was doing one on "going deep".  She talked about how she kept herself and her little family in a "safe place", like on the beach, building sand castles.  Well, she was plunged into "the deep waters" when her pregnancy ended with a baby that lived for 2 hours and with her having to hand over her little baby girl who was lifeless to a nurse who took her out of the hospital room...she wanted to scream at the nurse to bring back her baby...she couldn't take her!!!!  However, what she didn't realize is that in "the deep" she saw the face of Jesus unlike any other time in her life...it was in the deep that her other children came to see a Savior and it was in the deep that she felt like Jesus told her I am not on the shore, I am in the deepest part of the waters where you can't see what's next or where your feet will land.  Wow, that truly impacted me.  Nothing more in this life do I want than to see my children's salvation.  I pray over them with blood poring out of my sweat, praying for their salvation and their character....is this how God is answering?  I didn't realize that it would sacrifice my world...sacrifice all that is comforting to me....all that I have ever known and loved.  Blake and I along with Parker and Beckham are about to enter the deep...I am about to jump off the edge into a deep unknown.  I often day dream about seeing a "for sale" sign in my front yard....right now, as I am typing this, tears are welling in my eyes...I feel like screaming YOU CAN'T TAKE MY HOME....if you do that, you will take my memories and the life that I have come to love so dearly...but then I have to stop and realize...in order for me to know HIM at the level I want...in order for my children to have the ZEAL for HIS word and for HIM- in order for HIM to accomplish what HE wants to accomplish, I must sell all that I own and follow Him.  I must be grateful for this calling and know that HE will not call me to something HE has not equipped me for.  I know that I will make more memories in new places and I hope that one day, we can all weep together...except differently...that we will weep for joy the day my boys accept our Lord and Savior as theirs...ahhh...what a beautiful vision to hold on to.  Yes, Lord, send me...I will go...it's time.

They all know we've been called...

Though my heart still aches every minute of the day over leaving my family and everything I've ever known, I must say, there is some relief in knowing that my immediate family knows.  I just told my brother and his wife and my grandparents.  We've met with a realtor about listing the house in May- the whole meeting my gut just hurt so deeply that we are doing this, yet such a peace knowing it must be done.  My mind is slowly getting wrapped around the idea that we are starting the process- we will be living in a new city and my whole world is about to drastically change.  My safe zone will be ripped out from my grasp and we will now be wading the waters to "the deep".  All I am thinking right now is how in the world will God ever get me through this..."God, I am clinging to the thought that you promise me that you are with me and you promise me that you give me grace when I need it and you promise me that ALL things work together for good...so here we go...clinging to your promises".  I saw His strength today rushing through my blood as I told my grandparents.  I just knew I was going to cry through the whole thing, but I didn't, God gave me strength and I stayed reasonably dry through the whole conversation.  I'm so glad...I'm exhausted from crying so much...I'm exhausted from being sad.  I'm waiting for the joy that comes in the morning!  I do have joy over the thought that we are being obedient to the call no matter how much it hurts.  That does bring joy, because I would never want to be on the disobedient side.  I know that if I am in the center of God's will He will bring the joy in the morning- He will bring blessing and He will bring peace though nothing around me is calm.  I love my God so much...I love him even more now that I am in such a hard place.  I love that I am getting to lean on Him in such a deeper level than I have ever.  I feel like I am in the deep water- barely holding on to His float- barely holding on to life...it's a pretty awesome thing to experience it.  I'm grateful to Him for that.  It makes me want to dedicate my life even more to Him and serving Him no matter what.  Yikes...kinda scary too.  Maybe Jesus will just come back today!  :)

We are ready....

Well, this has been a hard week.  Blake took the whole week off in order to get the house ready for the market.  Not only have I had to struggle with feelings of sadness, but also with Blake being overwhelmed by the amount of work to do.  However, though the two of us were working in the flesh (due to NOT having our normal quiet times), God was faithful and helped us get it all done.  The house looks better than the day we moved in.  The deck is repaired and stained, house completely de-cluttered, MAJOR garage sale to sell junk, touch ups done, new carpet in the master bedroom, new paint in the master bedroom and bathroom, stained bookshelf in playroom, organized toys and books....I just want to just sit back and look at our house and go "AHHHHHH"...a sigh of relief, it's beautiful, clean and neat.  I LOVE it.  :)  However, I am feeling the heaviness in my spirit of selling a home that holds extreme sentiment.  My wedding night and bringing babies home will do it for me.  Hearing Parker ask me if we are going to take his big fort with us....hearing him say he doesn't want to sell this home :( :( :( makes my heart scream out "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!".  We spent the evening over at my parents house for my mom's birthday tonight; my heart is really getting heavy over leaving our families.  I still feel like a little girl, who just wants her mommy and daddy close by...her mommy and daddy to be close to her children and her mommy and daddy to be right there if I need help.  Ugh...this is SO hard..."I CAN'T DO THIS!!!".

However, I KNOW I can...because all I need is the Lord.  All I want is to be obedient to Him and do what He wants for our lives and I wouldn't want to spend ONE minute out of HIS courts!!  I wouldn't want to spend one nano second in disobedience!  I love HIM that much, that I will tear my heart out (leaving this home and family) and move away for Blake to go to seminary and for us to give our lives serving Him.  Plus...no one or thing satisfies like Him.  He's all that I need, if I have HIM, I can do anything.

Ok, I'm exhausted and ready for bed.  Tomorrow the lady comes to take pictures for HAR...I really need HIS strength for the next few days.  I'm not sure how I will handle the sign in my yard...we will see!  I will also be posting pictures of this journey.

Oh GOD you are MY GOD!!!

Oh God, you are my GOD...and I will ever PRAISE you!!  Father God, you have shown yourself tonight!  I have been praying and praying over housing once we get to seminary.  I by no means, need a nice or big house.  In fact, the smaller the better in my mind....but I did have some requests.  So here is what I prayed...1. that we could get a HOUSE that we could rent cheap, 2. that it could be on a cul-de-sac.  3. that it would have a yard for the boys to play safely in 4. that it would have a place to store their powerwheel trucks and bikes that we ride ever-single-day.  Impossible is how all of this sounds, right?  I mean, #2-4 is pretty easy to get, but 1....renting for CHEAP...like seminary housing cheap, is what makes all of this impossible.

Blake just got off the phone with his dad.  His dad announced that he wanted to buy a cheap house that he could flip once we were done living there.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!  GOD IS WORKING!!!!!!  So, I am sitting here PRAISING MY GOD, because I KNOW this is my prayer being answered!  Now to just keep praying we find the perfect house!!!  THANK YOU GOD!!!  YOU ARE WORKING!!!!!!

It's for sale...

Well, the sign went up yesterday in the yard.  My heart sank when 3 hours after we got a message that someone wanted to look at the house.  So out we went that evening over to my in-laws house to eat our dinner and then go to church...knowing someone was walking through our house.  My heart just wanted to scream NOOOOO....IT'S NOT FOR SALE!!!  But, obedience is never easy, and I love my God more so I want to follow Him.  Well, we got a call that they are sooo interested and need to come back on Friday for the wife to see it (she didn't get to come last night).  They want to put an offer in on it.  I had to have a "boo-hoo" last night about it.  I started realizing as I rocked Beckham last night, that this was going to start the count downs of the last times I would rock him in HIS room we brought him home from the hospital to.  I started looking around at the back yard where we have spent so many joyful hours playing and at the duck pond we go to and the pool we LOVE swimming at.  SOOOO many memories of SOOOO MUCH JOY!  And leaving my family....UGH...my FAMILY....my heart feels as though it is being ripped out!!  Well, I knew this would happen, I knew I would go through another mourning period, but I know that God is with me and He has already gone before us.  We know we will have a home to stay in before we move to Ft. Worth- some friends of ours who are working out of town for 2 years have opened their home for us to live in till we move.  PRAISE GOD. HE PROVIDES!  Still don't know about a job for Blake or about where we will live, but my God will come through AT-THE-PERFECT-TIME...and not a minute too soon or a minute too late.  I realized when I was talking to my mom today- she mentioned that I had to move forward and not look back...a bit like Lot's wife...God told her to NOT look back and when she did...well...it destroyed her.  I must look forward and stop looking back at all of the memories.  I must look forward and not stay stuck in my past or it will destroy me.  Blake said that he is so excited to see the amazing things God will do in our life.  Ya!  That's true!  I AM excited to be in "that place" where we have to trust God to move!!!  HE is all I need...HE is it!  As much as my heart CRIES about leaving my family...and as much as my insides HURT about it...the Lord is all I need- my wonderful Savior my Abba Father.  OH, what a joy it is to be in the deep water with Him, oh what a joy it is to feel Him holding me up so that I don't sink.  My GOD....I love YOU and therefore I WANT to be where YOU are!! 

It sold.....IT SOLD!!!

So, today is Tuesday, May 7th.  On Wednesday, May 1st we listed the house.  That evening we had our first showing and that night we received word that once the wife saw it on Friday, May 3rd, they would be putting in an offer of "asking price but with $5,000 for their closing costs".  Blake and I looked at each other with a look of "mmmm...I don't think so".  Well, Friday comes along and we got our house beautifully cleaned and we moved to my in-laws for the weekend so that our house would STAY clean for showings.  That couple came back and sure enough an offer comes across the table for "asking price with $2500 for their closing costs".  They already talked themselves down $2500.  Interesting!  So, our realtor sent over a statement showing all of the fees we would have to pay and what our final take home would be with that offer.  Blake and I almost fell over.  We did not realize that realtor fees along with taxes and then now the $2500 for closing would just eat away our profit!!  SO, we knew right away we would not be taking that offer...we needed asking price...PERIOD!  Our realtor was a little stunned that we wouldn't take this fantastic offer and apparently the buyers were too, but Blake and I decided that on Monday, May 6th, we would decide what to do...we would be silent and wait out the weekend.  Our realtor then told us that was such a risky move as the buyers told him they were so ready to buy and they were going out on Saturday to find a house and were prepared to make an offer on another house.  "You might lose this offer"!  Well, immediately fear crept in my mind..."are we being greedy???", "is this stupid???"..."this really is a great offer".  But as Blake and I talked $2500 would pay for one whole semester of seminary...we needed every bit of help to pay for his degree.  Blake was confident, so I just rested in his lead.

On Saturday, May 4th, I was driving home to check on the house...continuing to pray pray pray over Blake's wisdom, and the house sell and the buyers, and I just started getting overwhelmed with this whole process.  Then, the Holy Spirit moved...."The Lord will fight for you, all you must do is be silent" (Exodus 14:14)...all I must do is BE SILENT.  Well, that is exactly what HE, MY GOD, did.  Blake and I were silent all weekend- then on Monday, May 6th, we countered back with full price- no closing costs.  They accepted!  June 14th is our closing date.  Wow, there it is.  Less than a week, we quietly let God work out all of the details...to GOD be the glory, GREAT things HE has done!

Sobbing turned to joy...

"They accepted your offer!!" was the text I received Monday at 2pm.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I put my face in my hands and sobbed.  I looked around at our house, "this is it...this home...all these blissful years...we are moving".  My eyes were puffy all day as at the drop of a hat, tears would flow.  I texted my prayer warriers, and of course my parents.  I couldn't talk to my mom when she texted back "do you want to talk about it?".  I couldn't even read the text without crying.  My parents...the thought of moving away from them, it's soooo hard.  It's not like I see them every day, but I'm still their little girl...I didn't realize leaving them would hit me the way it did...I just love them so much.  Tears are rolling down my face now, just typing about it!  ha!  Anyways- I have been so somber the past two days- focusing more on my sacrifice that the incredible GIFT that God is giving us for the opportunity to serve HIM!!!  God has just blessed me so much recently through people sending me passages to read in His word...when I do...He always tells me something...it has been such a huge blessing.  Well, today I got several passages from a dear friend and one of them was Deuteronomy 28.  The first part talks about the massive BLESSING you receive from obedience.  It's MASSIVE...He will BLESS BLESS BLESS!  Well, I was getting all pumped, because here we are making this HUGE step of obedience...ok Lord....I'm ready for my blessing!!  Then, I went over to the part of the passage about what happens when you are disobedient.  As I am reading through it, I was SO GLAD I was living in obedience...it's scary to be on the disobedience side!  Well, then it hit me like a ton of bricks....the part of the passage that says, "They shall be a sign and a wonder against you and your offspring forever.  Because you did not serve the LORD your God with joyfullness and gladness of heart, because of the abundance of all things," (Deut. 28:46-47)  Whoa...God, I am walking around moping, crying, saying "poor me"...that's not joyfullness and GLADNESS OF HEART!!!  I realized obedience is a matter of the heart....and my heart was not in obedience!  Ouch!  Forgive me Father...my Abba Father, forgive me.  My heart was not joyfully serving you with gladness.  I must move forward, praising Him, thanking HIM for the BEAUTIFUL blessings He gives me every-single-day...and most importantly THANK him for the BLESSING of serving HIM!

The pool...

One of my beautiful answers to prayer in all of this move stuff, is that I wanted to be able to enjoy the pool before we sell the house and lose access to it.  God, my Abba Father, has given me the most BEAUTIFUL of perfect days at the swimming pool!!!  Today, we spent 4 hours in bliss...me and the boys...having an absolute blast at the pool!!  My goal was to spend every day there for at least a little bit of time..well, due to weather, I haven't been there everyday, but just about!!!  God is good...He gave me such a wonderful day!!  Thank you my Abba Father!

Who, me?

Last night, I was talking to Blake about how NOT qualified or capable I was for the job of "missionary".  We both made small comments about how "yes, but God is the one who will do it" and then we went to bed.  Well, today I got a beautiful opportunity to have my quiet time and I was reading a verse my sweet friend encouraged me to read in Judges chapter 6.  Well, it was all about Gideon and how the Angle of the Lord came to him and told him to defeat the Mideonites and deliver the Israelites.  Gideon basically said "who me??? I am the most unqualified person in the most unqualified clan".  But the angle of the Lord told him "yes, but I will do it through you"....the Holy Spirit moved in my heart.  I have been called to something I am so unequipped to do...I feel sometimes I will be more of a hindrance than a help!  ha!  But God moved in my spirit...it's HIM doing it through me and because of my weakness HE will gain ALL GLORY! 

The lasts...

Well, this is the week that from the minute I knew about this calling, I have been dreading.  The week that we move out of Blake and my first home as a couple, the home we brought our children home to and now our home that holds so many blissful memories.  I must say, God has held me up.  As I have been packing, sadness has not encompassed me the way I thought it would and by Sunday (June 9th) I was wondering if it ever would hit. 

Well, yesterday, it hit.  I was wiping out an empty cabinet in my kitchen when all of a sudden sorrow just poured over me.  I sobbed tears of mourning as I envisioned someone else putting their things in this cabinet and someone else calling this home their's.  I was at that sobbing point for the rest of the evening and the next morning.  The tiniest of thoughts could hit my mind and the tears would pour out.  That afternoon I went before the Lord, "Father, Abba, you MUST do something.  I know I am living in obedience, yet I cannot live in mourning this whole week.  You must take these sentimental attachments completely away."...this is what I prayed.  I immediately felt His peace coming over me...my eyes dried up and I began to regain control over my volitial emotions.  Praise GOD!!! 

Now, as I sit here and type I am exhausted.  My body physically aches and my "insides" are so worn out from being on guard all week.  I secretly wish, or publically wish, Jesus would just come back :)  However, I rest in this Blessed Assurance...that "Christ has regarded, my helpless estate and hath shed His own blood for my soul".  It-IS-WELL....with-my-soul!!!!