Sweet

The boys looking out the big huge window of our new house at a squirrel in our awesome backyard!!
 

It is my calling- motherhood...

"I have found that embracing God's call to motherhood once and for all has brought me great peace.  Instead of seeing fusses and messes as irritations in my day, for instance, I am more likely to see them as opportunities to train my children to be peacemakers and to learn to be responsible for their own messes.  Instead of resenting the interruptions in my schedule, I am more likely to accept them as divine appointments.  More and more, I have learned to see my children through the eyes of God and to accept the stages of growth through which he has designed them to grow." "Mission of Motherhood"

I am currently reading this book and am loving it.  As a stay-at-home mom it is so easy to get caught up in the drudgery of motherhood.  Whining children, fighting children, defiance, training, training, TRAINING...it is so easy for a mother to want to just yank out the few strands of hair left on her head.  So as I am reading this book and learning I have realized that motherhood is a calling...God has CALLED me to do it.  It's not easy...it's a calling...but God blessed me with children therefore I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to it.  Once you look at motherhood this way, you realize that when your idea of how you want your life to be, gets disrupted, you won't let that frustrate you or make you mad...you will to "die to yourself and your desires" so that Christ may live through you.  For example (as given in the book Misson of Motherhood), when you are giving your kids a bath and they jump in the tub, playfully, and splash bubbles and water all over you and creation...a lot of times (depending on the day we have had) we will react in frustration..."You guys!!!  I didn't want to get totally soaked and I didn't want to walls to get soaked either!!".  Why would a mom react that way?  Because in our minds of how we want our lives to be...we would rather not have soap and bubbles all over our clothes and walls!  We want our lives and homes to be neat, tidy and QUIET sometimes :)  But, if we have the mindset that motherhood is a calling and these children are a gift from God and if our mindset is that of death to our expectations for how our life is, then our reaction is free to be that of relaxation and calmness for the chaos of a situation...because why?  Because our expectation for how our lives SHOULD be doesn't matter!  Now, it's about using EVERY opportunity to train and raise these little gifts to love the Lord. 

My Spirit is heavy...

Well, I made it through the sell of our first home...I made it through walking through my home "for the last time"...as I look back on that I truly can't believe I did.  It was the LORD holding me up.  The last time we spent in the house it was completely empty and clean and the boys were running around like maniacs squealing and laughing with the echo of our vacant home.  It was such a joyful experience.  They weren't sad that we were moving and I was so grateful to the Lord for that.  However, it was a beautiful end to what our lives had been in that home...joyful...playful...blissful.  I think the hardest part of driving away was looking at the home...OUR HOME...and knowing I couldn't go inside it...knowing that I had to now ask permission from someone to walk in OUR HOME...I had to ask permission to walk into my boys rooms...that was such a weird feeling and left me so heavy.  Tears constantly flooding to my eyes, yet the Lord giving me strength to move on.  Oh how I love the Lord...what in the world...HOW in the world to people survive this world without Him.  SO...as long as I stay clear from my street...life moves on and God is giving strength!  I'm still not ready to face our old home or even think about it without tears welling up.  Though I am SUPER excited about getting settled in our new home and moving forward with life- I have such a heavy spirit in this new transition.  I think it's because we are still here and there are still "lasts" that I have to face before I have the closure of our move.  We had my family birthday last week and I knew that this was the last time I could just drive for the evening and go home...the next get-together was going to be much more planned and strategic. 

We are living with my in-laws right now, which has been great.  Every-time I tell people that I get "the look"..."oh!" is typically the response!  ha!  But it has been as great as it possibly can be.  My in-laws are gracious, respectful and kind- I think you truly can't get better than that.  However, not having my "own" nest to take care of and being in someone else's has been hard.  I am a mother and a wife...I'm supposed to nest and take care of my family- and though I am doing that here- it's still not truly my own nest, so I have felt a little "off". 

Blake's job is still up in the air- we are unsure of him transferring or doing something different.  Blake is walking through the doors the Lord opens, and now we are waiting for something to shut or redirect.  That leaves a little bit of a heaviness as well because we don't know what life will look life up there...what his schedule will be like, what our income will be like???  God...we are waiting here!!!  hehe :)

So, as I am sitting here doing my Bible study- I have been convicted of these feelings of heaviness and concern....almost like, I need to not feel that way.  I came to one of my scripture verses I want to memorize and it hit me...Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever".  My flesh my give way to heaviness and my heart my fail me...but deep down...I KNOW MY GOD has this.  I KNOW my God has led us here and that gives me STRENGTH.  Though my flesh is heavy and fails me- God is my strength and that is the only way I'm standing today.  That is the only way I am facing leaving E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G I know and love to move.  So ya, I maybe a little heavy...but I am standing!  Praise GOD!  That encourages me so much!  I love God's word!  Ya know- when God lead the Israelites out of slavery- and when HE told Moses what was going to happen- it wasn't easy...it didn't go peachy smooth and clean- but GOD-FOUGHT-EVERY-BATTLE.  God provided...God made a way...and God was their strength!!!! 

Our story of this new life we are begining...

I have been blogging ever since February about the journey of us moving away and starting this new life towards being missionaries.  However, I couldn't post the blogs until Blake's job knew about us leaving.  SO, for that reason,  I saved all my postings and then on June 10th I was finally able to post them all.  So even though I wrote them on all different days, they show up all on June 10th.  SO, to see where all of this began, go to THIS BLOG POSTING and begin reading there if you want it in sequence.  I posted them all beginning on June 10 with "It's time", then move in order from there.

Ugh...

Well, I just laid in bed with Parker while he fell asleep for the last time in this house in his room.  I looked around his room and so many memories flooded my mind.  Blake and I painting his room, bringing him home to his room...rocking him as a baby in there.  I feel like I am barely holding it together by the grace of God.  I prayed today, that God would take all attachment to this home from me.  That he would help me see it as a building that housed us, and not our home laden with memories.  I do feel a lot better, however, I am SO ready for the closing day to be over.  I am ready to not have to anticipate the "lasts" of everything in this house.  This is the "last time" I will cook dinner here, or the "last time" we will play in the back yard...ugh...the sadness with all of the "lasts" I am ready to be done with.  I just feel like I want to cry all of the time when I think about walking out of this home for the last time.  Lord, this is good, this is good that you are stripping me of these attachments to worldy things.  This is good that I cannot hold on to things in this world...because all we need is YOU, Lord.   Father, God, Abba Father....hold me up.

It's time...

I heard the words come out of his mouth "Cathy, I feel like it's time", as my heart sank into my stomach and tears welled up in my eyes.  You see, Blake and I have both been called into missions- we both at separate times felt pulled by the Lord to give our lives full time for HIS work, wherever or whatever that means.  Africa, China, or Houston- God, send us.  However, obedience to a CLEAR call from God still comes with pain.  My family, Blake's family, our church family, our home...the home that Blake and I spent our wedding night in, the home I brought my babies home to, the back yard that I have spent countless hours blowing bubbles and blissfully gazing at my children playing in the fort and sliding down the slide.  I watched my baby Parker "help" daddy countless evenings mow that grass, I've watched my precious boys run in the sprinkler and chase each other...I've sat and watched the rain.  That front yard, where we've had picnics and leaf fights- we've "built" things and rolled in the grass.  Those rooms- oh their rooms, where we have rocked and snuggled and played on their beds and rough housed and played with their train sets and hid in their closets.  So-many-memories and I can't help but weep when I think of this home- with all of our special memories- going to a complete stranger.  I know that memories go with us, and I know that we will have new ones, but the hard part is I know that I am closing a chapter in my life....a chapter filled with so much joy and so much LOVE, a chapter of their childhood home, or at least one of them.  Oh, the tears in my eyes.  Nothing could prepare me for obedience that can sometimes be gut wrenching...especially to a girl who is so sentimental that I was sad when my parents sold our old beat up station wagon when I was a kid, because I thought its feelings would be hurt!  I know, I'm crazy.  My heart almost morns.  Tonight I was listening to these neat little devotions on a CD, they are like 8-10 minutes each and one gal was doing one on "going deep".  She talked about how she kept herself and her little family in a "safe place", like on the beach, building sand castles.  Well, she was plunged into "the deep waters" when her pregnancy ended with a baby that lived for 2 hours and with her having to hand over her little baby girl who was lifeless to a nurse who took her out of the hospital room...she wanted to scream at the nurse to bring back her baby...she couldn't take her!!!!  However, what she didn't realize is that in "the deep" she saw the face of Jesus unlike any other time in her life...it was in the deep that her other children came to see a Savior and it was in the deep that she felt like Jesus told her I am not on the shore, I am in the deepest part of the waters where you can't see what's next or where your feet will land.  Wow, that truly impacted me.  Nothing more in this life do I want than to see my children's salvation.  I pray over them with blood poring out of my sweat, praying for their salvation and their character....is this how God is answering?  I didn't realize that it would sacrifice my world...sacrifice all that is comforting to me....all that I have ever known and loved.  Blake and I along with Parker and Beckham are about to enter the deep...I am about to jump off the edge into a deep unknown.  I often day dream about seeing a "for sale" sign in my front yard....right now, as I am typing this, tears are welling in my eyes...I feel like screaming YOU CAN'T TAKE MY HOME....if you do that, you will take my memories and the life that I have come to love so dearly...but then I have to stop and realize...in order for me to know HIM at the level I want...in order for my children to have the ZEAL for HIS word and for HIM- in order for HIM to accomplish what HE wants to accomplish, I must sell all that I own and follow Him.  I must be grateful for this calling and know that HE will not call me to something HE has not equipped me for.  I know that I will make more memories in new places and I hope that one day, we can all weep together...except differently...that we will weep for joy the day my boys accept our Lord and Savior as theirs...ahhh...what a beautiful vision to hold on to.  Yes, Lord, send me...I will go...it's time.

They all know we've been called...

Though my heart still aches every minute of the day over leaving my family and everything I've ever known, I must say, there is some relief in knowing that my immediate family knows.  I just told my brother and his wife and my grandparents.  We've met with a realtor about listing the house in May- the whole meeting my gut just hurt so deeply that we are doing this, yet such a peace knowing it must be done.  My mind is slowly getting wrapped around the idea that we are starting the process- we will be living in a new city and my whole world is about to drastically change.  My safe zone will be ripped out from my grasp and we will now be wading the waters to "the deep".  All I am thinking right now is how in the world will God ever get me through this..."God, I am clinging to the thought that you promise me that you are with me and you promise me that you give me grace when I need it and you promise me that ALL things work together for good...so here we go...clinging to your promises".  I saw His strength today rushing through my blood as I told my grandparents.  I just knew I was going to cry through the whole thing, but I didn't, God gave me strength and I stayed reasonably dry through the whole conversation.  I'm so glad...I'm exhausted from crying so much...I'm exhausted from being sad.  I'm waiting for the joy that comes in the morning!  I do have joy over the thought that we are being obedient to the call no matter how much it hurts.  That does bring joy, because I would never want to be on the disobedient side.  I know that if I am in the center of God's will He will bring the joy in the morning- He will bring blessing and He will bring peace though nothing around me is calm.  I love my God so much...I love him even more now that I am in such a hard place.  I love that I am getting to lean on Him in such a deeper level than I have ever.  I feel like I am in the deep water- barely holding on to His float- barely holding on to life...it's a pretty awesome thing to experience it.  I'm grateful to Him for that.  It makes me want to dedicate my life even more to Him and serving Him no matter what.  Yikes...kinda scary too.  Maybe Jesus will just come back today!  :)