Update on my babies...

I always know when it's time to blog, because I start to get a burden on my heart...sounds cheesy I know...but I start feeling a little bit of panic that I am letting too many precious things about my lovies go by and will forget them before I write them down.  Well, it's 11:07pm....definitely bed time and as I crawled into bed all cozied up, my eyes popped open and I had to get out of bed to let my heart overflow onto paper.  So here we are...

This season, this period of my motherhood is quite exhausting.  I find myself feeling the "servant-hood" of motherhood more and more every day.  From the moment my boys' feet hit the ground they are asking for juice, food, a toy, help, comfort, more, and the list goes on.  I'm sure it might be a little easier if they calmly and politely with full and complete patience asked for what they wanted, but instead I find myself be either cried at or ordered....'JUICE!!!!!!!'.  The exhausting part is the constant training, training, training...."Parker, that is not how you ask nicely, please repeat that in a nice way"...."Beckham, it's ok, you don't have to scream and cry because you can't reach your cup, just say 'help, momma'", etc etc.  However, the other day I was sitting on the driveway, relishing in watching my precious boys play, and I was reminded...this is motherhood...this is what God has called me to and has BLESSED me with...there is never going to be a time when I sit back and say...this is easy stuff...piece of cake...nope, it's constant...training and shepherding my children's' hearts towards our Almighty God.   It IS service...it IS work...it IS my ministry!!  How honored am I to get to be the missionary to my OWN kids...to two little boys that my heart skips a beat everytime I see them...I get to be PART of God's hand in bringing them to HIM! 

So, what do I do from here?  I remember that spending time with the Lord is TOP of my list!!!!!  I must be filled with the Spirit...in complete fellowship...so that when the frustrations of motherhood hit, my mind and attitude are FIXED on Christ so that my response to the little sin nature in my children is LOVE and CHRIST instead of MY sin nature fighting back.  I thank my God for every hard moment, because He is using that to refine me, molding me to be more like Christ.  I focus on Christ and moving forward instead of my mistakes and mess ups...those are in the past..leave them there! 

Thank you Father...thank you that you give me so many teachable moments to just grow in the knowledge of truth!  Thank you that you love me enough to continue to make me into the woman you want me to be....constantly being so faithful to me, though my faithfulness does not match.


SO, what are my precious babies up to these days?

Parker and Beckham are now starting to play together and LOVE-EACH-OTHER.  Parker has gotten to be such a PRECIOUS big brother...constantly caring for Beckham and making sure he's happy and playing with him.  It's beautiful.  NOT to say, they don't have their terrible moments, where Parker pushes Beckham down and then stands on top of him, laughing while poor Beckham is screaming....ugh!  :)

Beckham and I have two secret "languages".  We make these specific babble noises while using our hands like we are having a real conversation.  We count in this language too and it's quite entertaining.

Beckham is sloooowly starting to talk.  We had him evaluated by ECI two months ago and he did FABULOUS in ever area except for expressive language.  He didn't qualify for therapy though, so we are just 'naming' everything and encouraging language.  It's slowing starting to work.  Today, he was pushing his bubble mower and when the bubbles came out he would shout..."whoooooooa, bubba's!!!!!"  :)

Parker, my sweet booger bear, talks non-stop.  Literally...non-stop...if he's up and awake...he-is-talking!  It's so fun, though, because now I truly feel like we have a relationship.  Sometimes when I put him to bed he will ask if we can talk, so I will lay next to him and we will, face-to-face, just talk.  Some of my FAVORITE times.

Beckham....my lovie bear boo...oh, that boy, I love him so much...he is such a mess...but lately he has been extra lovey!  He will rub his hands over my hair and will just randomly come up and hug me and kiss me....thrills my heart.  He still loves to be rocked and night, which, well, I'm in heaven over.

They both LOVE the dogs...especially when we take the dogs in the car with us.  They both want to hold one.  So cute, because they get so excited!

Beckham gets the "excited mouth open" look now.  LOVE that!

Parker has the official big brother power over Beckham.  All Parker has to do is excitedly ask Beckham if he wants to do something and Beckham will ALWAYS say yes...even if I had just asked him the same thing a minute before and he told me no!  ha!

I LOVE watching them on the powerwheel together.  They both will get excited about something and just look at each other and giggle and squeal.  It's SO cute how much they love each other.

Ok...I know there is more, but I am now officially exhausted!  Nighty night!

He is just SO CUTE!!!!

That is constantly what I think about when I stare at Beckham.  "He is just SO CUTE!!!".   That little boo bear of mine has just stolen my heart!  Tonight I was rocking him to sleep...I just LOVE that he wants me to rock him every single time he has to go night-night.  I just LOVE that!!!  Anyways, lately when I stand up after rocking him he has started to get fretful about going to bed...so I have been talking to him telling him that he's not going to cry, that he is just going to lay in his bed and go night night and that I will see him in the morning.  I will tell him that I love him and he will nod his head (hehe...LOVE IT!), then I will tell him to have sweet dreams and he will nod his head :) :) :), and I will tell him that I will see him in the morning....annnnnd he will nod his head :), then my favorite part is when he starts to wave bye bye to me!!!!!!!!  OH, my goodness....to have this sweet baby scooped up in my arms...face to face kissing him all over the face and then having him wave bye bye with his precious tiny little perfect hand....it makes me want to just keep holding him and loving on him!  He is just SO CUTE!!!!!!

My point is...this will pass...

VBS week is here at church and tonight, Blake worked later so I had to take the boys with me.  Well, they do not enjoy church AT-ALL!  They start SCREAMING AND CRYING when I drop them off in their classes...Parker 3.5 and Beckham 20 months.  Well, talk about my heart being ripped out of my chest...everytime I have to sit there and listen to them scream for me, I pray and pray "God, please let them calm down"...please please do something!  Well, for whatever reason, God has chosen to remain silent on this issue.  He is sovereign...I trust Him...I have no idea why He has chosen to not calm my children at church (Parker has been doing this his whole little life in the nursery at the SAME CHURCH), but I trust that He hears me and my heart ache over it.  Anyways...I was standing in a side hall tonight...just in anguish over what to do when a dear friend walked up to me...I gave her a quick "why I'm here" speech and she proceeded to tell me about how her granddaughter whom she helped raise just graduated from high school.  This granddaughter who used to cling to her legs crying her eyes out for her not to leave her was walking across the stage to receive the diploma that would allow her to move off and go away to college.  My friend told me how she looked at that little girl and wished that she could hold on to HER legs now and keep her home. Well, that was it...I started boo-hoo-ing!!  As she was boo-hoo-ing with me, she said...so you see?  This WILL pass and you will be holding on to their legs when they are moving away.  I am sitting here typing this blog hardly able to see with tears welling up in my eyes and pouring all over again.  She was right...my precious little boys, whom my heart sings when I see them, will one day no longer need the comfort of my touch, or the comfort of my arms or the comfort of my voice.  They will one day not look at me with dreamy eyes nor long for me to play with them and hold them and rock them.  One day...this phase will pass...

It is so easy to wish difficult phases away...constantly looking across the fence to the greener side...but what we miss are the NOW moments we have with them.  What are the now moments that are sweet and precious?  Well, my boys think being with me is the best most comforting thing in their little world.  They want to be with me every waking moment...yes...even when that means waking me at 6:30 and following me to the restroom and to this room and that room.  I am in a very physically draining point of my life...but oh...if I just stop for a minute and look at my life as if I am looking back...it is a blissful, fulfilling, JOY-filled time of my life!!!  My boys think EVERYTHING is exciting!  One of Parker's highlights of the day is going to see "if the swimming pool is open" and then watching his face LIGHT UP with joy when he sees it is.  When I see Beckham open his mouth in excitement and his eyes light up with joy when I ask him if he wants to watch bulldozers on the iPad.  When Parker is SO HAPPY and excited about just driving his truck or riding his bike.  "Mommy, how about I ride my bike and then I can drive my big truck"..."do you want to do that, mommy???"...."Yes, baby...I would love that!"....."OK mommy!!!!".  It is so sweet and so innocent.  They love life.  How when I gave Parker a new tube of toothe paste and he said with such a sweetly GENUINE voice "thank you mommy!!!!!!!"....how they both get so excited just to push the "water button" on the water cooler to fill up their sippy cups.  How Beckham points to the rocking chair for me to rock him before he goes to sleep...EVERY TIME!!!  This is heaven...is it hard and physically and mentally exhausting???  ABSOLUTELY....are there days that I gripe and complain???  ABSOLUTELY.....but I feel like tonight...when my friend came and talked to me...moments like that are little gifts from God, where he catches my attention and says "Cathy, do see what you have?"  "You have these boys at such a beautiful time in life...so tender and sweet...you HAVE them....ENJOY them...CHERISH them...because you see?  This will pass....."

Our fun

This summer Parker has his all time usuals he likes to do everyday...now they typically go in cycles, but when you are in that cycle he is rooooooooutine! I wanted to jot them down for sweet memory sake! He loves to get in my bike trailer and "go see if the swimming pool is open"...even if I've told him a hundred times it's not. Then on our way he will ask if there are snakes in a particular patch of grass and he will tell me that two certain trees that have red spray paint on them have bo-bo's. He loves to go on a truck drive and drive Beckham around in his power wheel truck. He will drive on the street in certain parts and at the same spot every time he will drive up onto the sidewalk. He will drive through the same set of bushes that hang out on to the sidewalk and die laughing every time looking over at me as if it were the first time. He will drive out onto the street everytime looking for the puddle of water he drove through one day even if that water might be dried up by then. He loves to go look for lady bugs in our neighbors yard, because one day we had hit the motherload of lady bugs. When we go to the park, he loves to drive his truck over to the fountain and throw rocks into it. He loves to play in the sprinkler in the backyard...but HE has turn on the water...he runs through the mud created by the sprinkler with his lawn mower and wants me to pour water on him as he slides down the slide. He wants juice and oatmeal first thing in the morning and always wants a blanket on his lap while sitting at the table. This little boy....I love intensely....he is a joy....and sweet precious love and an honor to raise!

My little Boo...he's 19 months

My little boo bear is now 19 months old.  What is he up to?

He waves at cars driving by when we are playing out on the driveway
He points and says "uh!!!" at every single truck that passes us on the road
He plays a little game where I will tell him to go sit in his seat at the table and he will go and stand behind my chair and say "uh!!" and I'll say "That's not your chair!!!" and he will go to the next chair and we will repeat till he gets to his chair.
He can fully feed himself and will pick up his bowl and start dancing it when he eats it all so that I will sing our "happy plate" song
He is starting to be able to attempt repeating words I say, for example..."Beckham, can you say bubbles??" and he will say "buh buh",  and so on...not really saying any words other than momma and dadda on his own.  ECI is coming out to evaluate his speech...he is delayed.
When we get to the top of a certain bridge he will start saying "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" because the bumps on the road will make his voice quiver
He has been weaned from the PACI!!!!!!  Took it like a champ...one day I just put him down for a nap without it and he slept!  That was it!  PRAISE GOD!
He loves his big bubba and laughs so hard when they rough house...until Parker is too rough :/
He LOOOOOOVES bubbles and wants to play with and eat all of the time!
He is learning how to drive the Power Wheel.  Parker will help him steer, but he is still pretty distract-able....he'll see a pretty flower and either stop driving or keep his foot on the pedal and not look in front of him.
He LOVES the puppies
He's a great eater...pretty much eats whatever
He loves to play in the water and fill up buckets and pour the water into something else
He LOVES his brown blanket


He is just so cute...pretty high maintenance, but SO worth it.  I love that boo bear and his little giggly smile and personality is just the BEST!  I LOVE being his mommy!!!!!

Jesus loves me...He really does

I am reading a book (yes, I am READING, for those of you who know me) called "Jesus Loves Me" by H.L. Roush Sr.  It's a small, easy read, but wow, how it has truly begun the transformation process in my mind about Christ's love.  "God is Love", I have heard this a million, billion times in my life.  I was saved at 7 or 8 and just "knew" that God loved me.  However, it hasn't been till recently when I began to see the chains of bondage that fear had on me that I realized that I didn't truly understand that God- LOVES-ME!  I believed it, but didn't BELIIIIIIEEEVE it, if you know what I mean.  There is a time, when God takes a common concept and then graciously brings you to a point in life where He drives that concept home.  You "get" it all of the sudden.

Growing up, I had the most unconditional loving parents.  Never, NEVER did they withhold love for ANY reason.  Never!  I had a beautiful childhood, filled with love and safety.  However, I am still very self conscious of disappointing my parents or making them sad by something I have done...thus affecting their love towards me.  Isn't that interesting...for being a child who NEVER EVER EVER had love withheld for ANY reason- is scared that I will let my parents down.  I am almost 30 years old...married...a mother of two...and worried about what my mommy and daddy think about me.   Towards my in-laws- I feel that if I don't build up my "good things" list that I have done for the family, that I will no longer be loved by them, but as long as I am "doing", then they will love me.  Wow!  So as I am reading this book, I realized that I had that same "fear" towards God.  That He would withhold or be disappointed in me for not being the perfect Christian or making a wrong choice.  Now, please know, I am not referring to the discipline of God.  That is a very real deal and He really does discipline us, but I have a different fear.  I fear that His love would change if I did something that wasn't what He wanted and wasn't the perfect child for HIM.   I fear condemnation...

What am I learning?
That God IS love...that is who HE IS...He cannot separate Himself from loving us.  No matter what we do, He cannot change or fail His love for us.  Because that is who He is, no matter what I do or don't do, His love will be there, constant and faithful, despite my unfaithfulness...He WILL BE FAITHFUL to love me, no matter what!
That, even though I am struggling with total victory over fear, Jesus is walking with me through this battle and bringing me to the outcome of victory.  "None of this discouraged Him [Jesus] from overtaking them in their gloomy walk and patiently talking with them, until their eyes were opened once more to the reality of His presence with them, and their hearts were set on fire by His love".  ("Jesus loves me" talking about when Jesus was walking with the disciples and they accused Him of being a stranger, etc.)  Though I am not where I WANT to be, it's ok, He knows exactly where I am and where I am going and plans to walk me to that destination.
That earthly friendships are faulty and fail.  No matter how much I love a person or a friendship, it is going to fail.  That person I will at some point be let down by and I will let them down as well.  Jesus is a friend that NEVER will let down..he CANNOT fail you.  He knows EVERYTHING about you....EVERYTHING...you don't have to play the "get to know you" for Jesus to know you.  Those little areas about your life that you hide...HE KNOWS...and yet why, do we continuously seek others to get advice or to fulfill us?  Lately, I have had a hard time with Parker and church.  I'm teasing, but partly serious when I wonder if a demonic spirit comes upon him at church.  He cannot be separated from me, not even for a nano second while I go get something and immediately come back...he freaks out!  He screams and cries all morning and looks at other adults like they are the piece of chewed gum stuck on the bottom of his foot.  It often times leaves me speechless.  Anyways, I have sought advice from everyone...anyone who gives I will listen.  Well, lately, I realized that maybe this is a matter that I need to seek the Lord's advice on and the Lord only.  Maybe He is teaching me, that HE-IS-ENOUGH.  He knows Parker...HE REALLY KNOWS why Parker is acting the way his is...and yet I seek other's opinions over His?  Maybe God is teaching me to seek Him instead of others.

What a beautiful journey this is to freedom.  What a beautiful journey this is to "coming to the knowledge of truth" about my Lord and Savior!  I love that He loves me enough to bring me through this to see me liberated and free of any bondage of my life!  Father, you are all I need.

"To the King of the Ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, to you be honor and glory forever and ever, Amen!" 1 Timothy 1

A mother's love

As I sit here typing, I cannot explain the overflowing love that is welling up in me for my children.  I sit here wanting to type all of it out for the sole purpose of documenting this journey as a mother to two young boys...never to forget how precious they are to me and forcing me into cherishing every single little moment.  As I walk through my day- I will have moments of pure gratitude to my Heavenly Father- pure gratitude for the beauty of a moment with my children- pure gratitude for the health of my children- pure gratitude that I AM THE ONE HE chose to raise these babies- pure gratitude that MY womb held them.  They are in my care and oh...am I so grateful to my God!!!

I love sitting on the driveway blowing bubbles (that is now that Beckham doesn't try and DRINK them anymore!  whew!).  I love watching them "mow" the grass.  I love that no matter how tired or worn out I am and no matter how much I just want to SIT and relax- when Parker excitedly and longingly asks me to come play with him or to show me something I somehow get an energy burst to do it!  I love watching Beckham learn how to feed himself with a spoon and I love watching him develop into a little boy instead of my little baby (which he will always be, by the way :)).  I love how when I sit down and spread my arms asking Beckham to come hug me...he RUNS laughing the whole way and leaps into my arms holding tight.  I love watching them feed the ducks.  I love watching them play in the backyard.  I love that even though Beckham doesn't talk- when I ask him questions like "do you love mommy??"...he nods his head!  (he also nods his head to "do you eat poo poo, but who cares- I love asking him anyways and seeing him nod!  ha!)  I love that no matter how fussy Beckham can be (and he is SO FUSSY ALL DAY) all he has to do is laugh or smile at you or snuggle close to you and your heart is in his hands!  I love getting excited with my boys...about who knows what.  I love playing with them, I love being with them, I love rocking them at night, I love how tender and sweet their hearts are, I love how shy Parker is.  OH, I love them so much.  I love having picnics on the grass with them...I love laying on the grass with Parker.  I love laying in bed with Parker talking about life.  I love that they both love coffee!!  :)

Blake and I are beginning the process to adopt.  We are going to an orientation tonight at an adoption agency.  Of course, anytime I see my little family starting to expand I begin to draw my current family in tight.  Loving on them, focusing on them, enjoying the time I have with JUST them- knowing I will never get this time back.  My babies, my boys- they are bliss.  Parker and Beckham- though we might be getting some sisters for you two- you are my precious babies.  I love you with a love I will never ever be able to explain to you- a love that would make me give my life for you- a love that until you have babies of your own, you will never be able to understand.  I pray everyday that God would correct in you my mistakes.  I am not perfect- I do wrong things and I trust that God's grace will fix it.  I pray everyday that you two will love and serve our Lord with all of your heart the minute you can understand what Calvary means.  I pray that you two will be missionaries or pastors.  I pray that one day when this life is over- I will see you two in Heaven.  When I think of the day that I see you two give your heart to Jesus, tears well in my eyes.  I long for that day. 

My life as a mother, though hard, and tiring, and though I get frustrated....it is by far one of the greatest honors God could give me.