So so grateful....

As I am getting ready for bed, I usually glance at the video monitor that is mounted in Parker's room. I see him so peacefully sleeping and my heart just overflows. It overflows with joy and gratefulness that I am in the "drudges" of child raising. This is probably the hardest time for a mother physically...the years where PHYSICALLY we carry our children and PHYSICALLY we take care of them along with the emotional side of making sure we are teaching, teaching, correcting, correcting, training, training this blank slate into a godly man of God. A lot of times in this stage of child raising, mothers wish their children would hurry up and grow up so that it's not-so-hard anymore. However, what ends up happening is we wish away and LOSE some of the most precious, wonderful, sweet, HAPPY times in our lives. The time in our life where our children truly think we do know everything. The time in our life where we are super exciting even when we know we really are not! The time in our life when all these precious children want is to be with and play with and snuggle with their mommies and daddies. The time in our life when hugs and kisses and "I love you's" are welcomed with sweet giggles and glowing faces. The time in our life when no matter how stupid we may look, our children think we are hilariously funny. The time in our life that brings some of the most beautiful joy to a parent's heart.
The other day I was thinking about my stage in life- I was thinking about it as if it had already passed and I was looking back on it. It made me fall to my knees in gratefulness that it has not already passed- that I am still smack dab in the middle of it....loving these little innocent baby boys that bring so much overflowing joy to my life.
The other day I was giving Parker horsey rides on my back and in order to avoid falling off he wrapped his arms tightly around my neck...then he said "I love you, mommy". Just writing this makes tears well up in my eyes. How could we wish these moments away? How could we not respond to our babies asking us to "play with me, mommy!!"? How could our hearts not overflow with joy when these precious children want to be around us and love just "being" with us. It's heaven! I love my boys so so so much....God, you blessed me with them...they are a gift straight from you-and I am so so grateful!!

My boo

My little boo bear is now a little over 17 months. He's so SO cute!! What he's up to....

-He still doesn't really have any words...just mama, dada and night night and uh oh

-He now knows he can only have his paci when he's in bed so when it's time to get out of bed he either points to his paci jar with his paci or he will take it out and push it into a corner of his crib. It's hilarious!!

-He waves at cars driving by when we are playing on the driveway.

-He still lets me rock him at night

-He walks at a running pace all the time

-The minute I start cooking dinner, Beckham is screaming at my feet, by 5pm he is dying for dinner!!

-He still goes to bed around 7, and sleeps 12-13 hours.

-He can feed himself oatmeal...not well, but he can do it!

-He wuuuuuvs is brown blanket

I love him so SO much! He is so funny and precious and sweet....I am so blest to be his mommy!!!

Missin you!!

Tonight at AWANA Parker left the room to go to music. Normally I go too, but tonight I had to stay in our room to get the craft ready. When the kids came back in from music, Parker ran up to me wrapping his arms around me and yelling "mommy!!!!!! I missed you!!!". That was the first time he had said that and man did it make my heart soar!!!! I missed you too my sweet parkerman!!! I missed you MORE!! :)

Courageous

So, Blake and I watched the Christian movie, Courageous. If you haven't seen it and plan on seeing it stop reading right here, because I am about to talk about it :) Anyways, in the movie this little girl dies and you watch the mourning process of the parents. I found myself in the "ugly cry" so many times because you can't even imagine wanting so desperately to hug or touch your child and not being able to. It gave me another one of those "cherish the moment" times. Tonight I was brushing Parker's teeth and I just stopped and hugged his neck so tight kissing him all over. I-HAVE-MY-CHILDREN....I can touch them and hold them and play with them and LOVE them. So many parents don't have their children due to death and it just makes all of the insignificant things in this world fade away because all that matters is that we are alive with each other!

Thank you Father that TODAY, I have my children. And Lord willing tomorrow too. THANK YOU that you give me these moments to remind me to CHERISH every-single-minute of every-single-day!!!! Frustrating moments and all.

The gripping hold of fear....

I am a fearful person. I don't mean this in the sense of reverence or respect as in "fear of the Lord", but of what the Bible tells us NOT to do all throughout the old and new testament. Fear not....be anxious for nothing...do not fear....etc, etc, etc. I can't even keep track of what I fear...I fear rational and irrational things, I fear rejection, I fear sickness, I fear sadness, I fear hard times...you name it, I fear it! My poor mom & dad had many years living with a little girl who would frantically call "mommy!!!!" while in the bath tub and when mommy would come in I would ask if this scab on my arm might be leprosy! LEPROSY!!! What kid fears a diagnosis of LEPROSY!?! Yep...I did! That wasn't even the least of if. If I told you all of the stories of things I feared growing up and what my parents had to endure with me you might think I needed medication or professional help!

Well, professional help is what I needed. From the wonderful Counselor...my almighty, heavenly FATHER! From as long as I can remember I have known that God is working on me and my issues of fear. Defeated, enslaved and frustrated would be my description of the outcomes of "faith tests" and a vision of utter defeat was my expectation for my future in this category. Well, Satan would want me to believe that!! He would whisper in my ear..."no matter what you do, you will always be this way!".

Then, my God blessed my life with my beloved children. Though blissful is how I would describe motherhood...it raised my whole fear level up to an unreachable level. Not only did I have to live in constant worry about my life, my future, my health my marriage...but I now had to worry about my boys life, future, health and marriages....oh ya, and education and financial provision and character and spirituality and friends and on and on and on! Unmanageable is the word I would use for how I felt. I cannot do this anymore, Lord. I cannot continue to carry this FEAR around me! If Parker didn't eat a lot of dinner...was it because he had a stomach bug???!!! Oh man...what am I going to do if he throws up??! Oh my goodness...then we are all going to get it and who is going to take care of my kids while I am sick!??! Do you see how my mind takes off from something as insignificant as Parker not eating dinner? I had this weird bruise on the top of my foot several months ago....leukemia was the only explanation I could come up with how I had this oddly shaped bruise in an odd location. In one week I survived a minor heart attack, two cases of ovarian cancer, and a kidney infection...IN ONE WEEK! 4 months ago I was sitting on the couch and I happened to rub my neck and felt a lump!!!!! IT'S CANCER! No other explanation...NONE....well, come to find out, it was a gland that had swollen due to the irritation on my scalp from hair extensions. Yep...and the list goes on. Then, I have Satan constantly whispering in my ear at all times "just enjoy this wonderful time in your life, because trouble is coming, and it's going to be bad!!!".

Well, yes, I do know that trouble and suffering are coming- but I also know that God's grace is sufficient. When my trials hit, HE will be with me and provide grace for that time. In fact, as I sit here typing this...Satan is whispering in my ear "the reason you are typing this and will share it with others is because God is about to do something tragic in your life and you need to practice what you preach"...SEE? It's constant- no matter what I do or don't do- fear is always there!

So, what is my plan? Well, TRUTH is my plan! God tells me that no matter what happens it's to profit and not to harm me. So Satan tells me that when the trials come, it's going to be horrible and lonely and sad and it will destroy me. Well, I know that's not from God, because whatever is from God is to profit me. The second part of it is that the worst case scenario is I die.......and go to heaven, where I will be in the presence of the Almighty God whom satisfies more than my children or husband ever could. That's the second lie. Satan tells me that if I were to leave this earth- nothing would satisfy the way my children do, etc. etc. Well, I know for a fact that God is the ULTIMATE satisfaction and my children will never come close.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set me free...therefore I will not submit again to the yoke of slavery!". "the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, self control, against such things there is no law- but those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

I will be anxious for NOTHING, but in everything through prayer and thanksgiving, I will present my requests to God and the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

I have realized that when the sting and fear of death is gone....nothing in this world can scare you. Death is the WORST CASE SCENARIO and when you no longer fear that, because you have the assurance of salvation through Christ and you know where you are going and that where you are going is the best place in the WHOLE WORLD, you "laugh" at the future! The JOY of the Lord is my strength!!!

Anyways- I have experienced victory, recently, over fear- HOWEVER, this is a daily battle. I must spend quality time with the Lord DAILY....DAILY....not every other day or once a week- but I must renew myself in His word so that I can survive the chains of fear...because they are like weeds in a garden...just because I picked them all out and my garden is weed-free today....doesn't mean I can stop picking...in just a short amount of time of not weeding, they could overtake my garden.

Thank you Father- thank you that no matter what happens, I can trust you and I can know that if it happens- it has already gone through your hands!

Nick names

I thought I would write down my nick-names I call my boys, because I know one day, they will ask me to stop! The funny thing about these is that they know their nick-names....Parker will look over at me when I say "love bug" and Beckham will look over at me if I say boo or bubba, etc.

Parker:
Booger bear
Love bug (this one is used the majority of the time)
Boogs
Booger

Beckham:
Boo bear
boo
bubba
bubba pants
love bucket
stinky boy

Today

Today, I took the boys to Chic-fil-a and let them play in their play room while I drank some coffee and watched. It was so much fun to hear Parker playing with other kids having such a great time and then occasionally checking in with me saying "HI MOMMY!!!!!" from way up high! Then, we had a chicken nugget snack and went home to let them play in the rain and then take a hot bubble bath afterwards.

This was such a fun morning!!! I love that all I have to do in my world right now is play with my kids (and of course do my "home" obligations as a wife too!!!) but the majority of my time is for being a mommy! How blessed I am!!! Lately, Parker has been going through a VERY VERY defiant stage. It has left me defeated and frustrated, constantly questioning and second guessing my judgement and feeling frustrated that my sweet little boy can be SO BAD sometimes! However, today...he was perfect! Obedient, sweet, kind and my normal little PRECIOUS boy!!! I am grateful for TODAY...I am grateful that today we had SO much fun together. Part of discipline, I am learning, is spending quality time with your boys...GOOD quality time...without that, discipline won't be as effective. They need to see you and ENJOY you as a mother so that when you have to be "mean", they know that it's because they were wrong and not because that is how mommy is!

Even though motherhood can be tough sometimes....man....I am SO GRATEFUL that GOD-CHOSE-ME to raise my children! I know that it's important to Him that I raise them too...I heard the other day on a radio show how God does want mothers to raise their kids, look at how he brought Moses back to HIS MOTHER for him to be raised through these character building years! Thank you Father....thank you that YOU PROVIDE everything we need so that I can stay with them! Thank you, that they are healthy and thank you that they are HERE with me and that I get to enjoy them!!!